Saturday, July 5, 2014

Threshold! Take Us to the Threshold!

Doom. Crushing, unrelenting, pummeling doom. The groove, the fuzz, the down tuned emissions from that great and mysterious monolith. Pulsating waves of unforgiving acoustics echoing from ziggurat to ziggurat as per the mandates of whatever horrifying force resides in the Necropolis.

Welcome to the aftermath of the apocalypse.
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age." - H.P. Lovecraft, "The Call of Cthulhu"
That being said, there's some creepy shit out there. Like me. If you haven't been fed nightmares by my goblin shamans it means it's already too late for you. I don't have a lot of time to ponder, what with blazing the realms with a screaming horde astride great beasts with a thirst for blood. When I do, I think long and hard and deep. Like my bardiche in your chest cavity.

For you stupid peasants who don't know what a Bardiche is.

I can't help but think back to the darker realms of science fiction and fantasy when I find a crushing doom project.  The hulking, silent coffin ships of the Necromongers or the steady, crushing charge of the MĂ»makil. R'lyeh will rise to the smothering sonic wizardry of Doom. When Dagon or Nyarlathotep turn a world to cinders, all that will be left is blackness and a pentatonic scale on a bass guitar.

As a warmaster and battlemonger I, Trollson Cromcakes, can attest to effectiveness of crushing. Men, empires, dynasties, bones to make bread, I have crushed them all. Here is a track that is a close second to my mighty prowess.


From miserable Chicago these doomsters have laid some of the most spacey and esoteric tracks to some of the most merciless doom riffs since Pangaea split. There is a lot of tongue-in-cheek in album concepts and even merchandise, but they take their tone seriously. I find a band that doesn't take themselves seriously to be an automatic win. Like in a who-has-a-bigger-penis contest between Masterlord SteelDragon and myself. Hint: Masterlord SteelDragon would lose. He would like to be a man, but he has too much bitch in him. Deep down inside his vagina he knows it.

I give to you as a harbinger of your destruction, the newest Bongripper track - Endless.

Behold the maw! The teeth and face of your demise!

The opening riff is simple and builds upon itself. Layer after layer. You feel like you've been laden with stones. At first you tell yourself that your pathetic mortal frame can tolerate the pressure or weight. 1 minute 20 seconds in and the drums kick in like hammers to your soul. 1:45 - the layers of riffage supreme start to put the strain on your tendons and you sink lower and lower as the earths gravity increases, like it's being sucked into a dying sun.

If you aren't head banging by 3 minutes you have no place amongst us. You are fodder. Carrion fit for the bellies of crows.

5 minutes in and a few variations have been thrown in. The battle trance you've entered into has by now steeled your nerves and readied your bones for the impact of the enemy's lines.

6:10 - a small amount of force has elevated the rhythm. The walls are coming down. The great tower has been breached. There shall be no quarter.

8 minutes! Your constitution or lack of brain activity has lead you this far! Finally a break! The stars are still and the event horizon has given way to a bridge of heavenly colors. Could it be that we've weathered the storm? We might survive!

10:22 - We're not going to make it. The worm hole has opened and the behemoth hive mother has warped in. The great sea beast has breached and whatever is left of your once great dreadnought will serve as kindling for the foul things at the bottom of the sea. (Yes, they need fire. Don't question it.)

When I make it to Furya or Helion Prime at the head of my legions, after sweeping their defenses in a single night, I will exit my fortress and march through the ranks. As my mighty battle cruisers bow in homage and my great army kneels before my victory march, this song will be poured through the streets of the conquered.

I actually find this song quite relaxing. This is a good come-down after a workout. I'm enjoying it after a deadlifting competition with a fellow weight lifter. He was dispatched hastily of course. Honorable, but no match for me. This song is my reward and my reminder that the search for strength and foes to test that strength is as the title says...


1 comment:


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