Monday, July 14, 2014

Chelsea Grin - Ashes to Ashes: Masterlord SteelDragon's Decree

Upon finding a suitably steamy batch of manure (preferably fresh from the bowels of an herbivore), the dung beetle will fashion it into a ball and roll it forward in a straight line over any and all obstacles. I recently watched a video in which a number of rather ambitious dung beetles pushed their respective fecal orbs up a small sand hill. Mysteriously, only one was able to conquer the dune, and it arrived at the peak swelling with pride in its feculent creation. With shining carapace it looked down at its beetle brothers - all pushing identical dung balls, but for some reason failing to clamber to the top.

Chelsea Grin is the ascended dung beetle. Apparently hailing from a magical land in Utah where guitars have only one string, they have somehow emerged from the droves of indistinguishable deathcore acts to relative popularity, likely with the aid of some unnamable cosmic force bent on the rape of Our Beloved Lady Metal and the theft of Her purity. Their latest album, Ashes to Ashes, offers you nothing more than what you'd expect: a cringe-worthy hour of brainless/shameless chuggery so disgraceful that my wife (Her Majesty Mrs. SteelDragon) pleaded with me to change her Spotify account to "private" before playing it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Why It's Important for You to Listen to Noble Beast

When your favorite genre's subject matter typically alternates between death, dying, killing, Satan, and dying, you need something to remind you that there are good things left in this world - like imagining a fantasy world that actually has good things in it. Where the winged dragon roams the skies above castle-crowned hills and everflowing streams. Where valor is prized above all and conflicts are reduced to the glorious simplicity of steel versus steel. Where climbing your staircase doesn't make you gasp for air and you can hide your frankly impressive acne under an iron crafted helmet. Doesn't that sound nice? Well, my bummed-out brethren, Noble Beast can take you there.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Vintersorg - Naturbål: Masterlord SteelDragon's Decree

Masterlord SteelDragon has some time on his iron hands, and instead of searching for new employment or helping Mrs. SteelDragon out around the house, he's been putting it to good use: sitting atop his skull-throne with Trollson Cromcakes as his footstool, and his dominion stretching ever before him. It's given me the opportunity to listen to more music than usual, and one album in particular has been monopolizing my time. I don't like waxing poetic because real men don't wax anything ever, but Vintersorg's Naturbål is so deserving of your attention that I'm going to review it.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Threshold! Take Us to the Threshold!

Doom. Crushing, unrelenting, pummeling doom. The groove, the fuzz, the down tuned emissions from that great and mysterious monolith. Pulsating waves of unforgiving acoustics echoing from ziggurat to ziggurat as per the mandates of whatever horrifying force resides in the Necropolis.

Welcome to the aftermath of the apocalypse.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Under the Covers: Black Sabbath

Welcome to the first installment of "Under the Covers!" To the slew of obviously unsatisfied women who approached me under the assumption that this was a column in which Masterlord SteelDragon would divulge his mysterious and arcane love-making secrets, you have my sincerest steel apologies. I'm actually going to be talking about song covers, but that doesn't mean this can't be a sensual experience. Relax, and let's get started.

Before I get any further, let me just say this: I have a deep respect and love for High Riffmaster Tony Iommi and his stupid ass shade-glasses. That being said, there is something I love far, far greater than he. That is crushing my opposition underfoot and quelling the defiant. Our other author's affection for Black Sabbath (read as: fanboyism) may very well be unrivaled by all except Douchelord Osbourne himself. For this reason I have resolved to devote this segment to disparaging them. Here are three Black Sabbath covers that are better than their original counterparts. Enjoy or despair.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Kings Among Sheep

Apparently I am to be pardoned for my crimes against the crown. I would have responded sooner but I was preoccupied LAUGHING AT YOUR FOUR WINDS! You think to govern me?! Some young whelp had better rethink his strategy before I feed his muffin topped women to the gaping maw of Shai Hulud.

Some milk drinkers think themselves King, others like myself have donned the title of Conqueror by winning it through glorious combat. Others have earned their place doing thus.

Herein rules such a king.

King of Asgard.

And this king is to bless us once again with an acoustic bludgeoning with the upcoming release of Karg.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Metal Beginner's Guide to Making Metal Song Names Metal (with Examples)

Like most all things in life (except food and maybe pillows if you're a bitch), you want your song titles to be as metal as possible. While there are a few ways to go about this, the first step is typically the same: